I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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