I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
