so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
