I think I won the penis lottery.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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