oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
