She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
