Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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