there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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