Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
