Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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