if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
