you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
