Swine flu. Run for my life!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
