i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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