My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i think my cat just said my name.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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