After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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