i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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