Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
