The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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