allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
