ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
