I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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