I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
