Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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