I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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