I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You made out with two different species that night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
