I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
