i just had sex bonerless
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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