lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
