remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
