That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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