i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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