We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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