I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
