Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
