I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
