I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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