Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
