I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
