There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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