2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
