i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
