I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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