My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
