Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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