one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Are we still banned from the library?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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