Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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