i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
