shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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