Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
