Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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