I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
