My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
