tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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