I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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