I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
