Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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