I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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