Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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