More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
