ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
