well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
