yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
