Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
